How to Make the Right Decision
February 22, 2020
In my life
I have had the privilege and responsibility of making many big life decisions.
Looking back, I can say the most important lesson I learned was how I came to make them in the first place, and eventually, how to know that I was making right ones (most of the time anyways).
To clarify, I am not talking about a decision I should be making - as in the right decision for someone else, other people, or even society at large - but a decision that was right for me and my personal truth.
Consider for a moment all the conscious and subconscious beliefs and stories we tell ourselves. Or even the social and cultural pressures and influences in play as we weigh our options. I am going to be honest here, sans an actual epiphany, the decision making process is almost always a muddy one.
Luckily, there are several tools available to support the process. Tools that live in the body as much as in the analytical mind. Tools that give us permission to align with our personal truth.
If you are still figuring out what works best for you in your decision making process, these four questions have become resourceful tools in my personal navigational toolbox. I am happy to share them with you here.
1. What is the motivation driving your decision? Is it fear? Or is it love?
I was 22, living alone in a big city, and somewhat distraught at the moment (basically, the quintessential early 20’s experience). I remember sitting with a friend on a couch pondering a decision, when this question was asked of me.
At the time I understood the first option clearly. I could be honest enough with myself to see if I was making a decision based on some kind of rational (or irrational) fear, like holding on to someone or something for fear of letting it go and making my way into the unknown.
But what did it mean to truly make a decision based in love? Not like romantic love, or sacrificial martyr love, or strings attached love, but just love. It felt a bit abstract for me at the time. It wasn’t until I sat in a Reiki class in San Francisco several years later that I understood what making a decision based in love, felt like. As in, what it felt like in my body. It felt like expansion and an exhale at the same time.
2. What does your body have to say about it?
Remember the old adage “go with your gut”? What if I told you, it’s not just your gut but your whole body that might have something to say about the decision you are making.
Sitting in a folding chair in a crowded Reiki class room I closed my eyes. We were practicing tuning our awareness towards the sensations of the body. My hands rested on my lap.
The instructor asked us to take a breath and think of the word NO. Then she asked, “where does NO live in your body?” In the quiet, felt “No” like a shutting down sensation in my chest and stomach. Now, she said, “focus on the word YES. Where does YES live in your body?” To my surprise, I felt an expansiveness above my shoulders and tingling around my ear lobes.
How many times can you remember feeling fear as a gripping sensation around your rib cage, or like a wave in the stomach, or a feeling of knowing that revealed itself like a tingling sensation? How many times have you ignored these sensations or quickly moved on from them without giving them much thought?
I have personally learned that my physical body has a lot to say when I am making decisions. So what does this look like in real life?
One particular time in my life, as I drove down a crowded freeway toward a job every morning, I began to feel a “ping” in my stomach, and my energy felt like it was collapsing in on itself. I actually tried to ignore the sensation for several months, until the morning came when I could no longer ignore it. I was miserable, and I knew it was time to move on in my career. I didn’t show up that morning and quit. On the contrary, I believe in graceful, strategic exit plans. What changed is that I started to listen to what my body was telling me about how I felt about my job. Coming to terms with it was the initial catalyst for change.
3. What is the RISK of moving forward, (or not moving forward) with a particular decision?
There is a very well known, almost cliche, quote by Anais Nin, “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”. My answer to that quote is this: Resistance is a beast. It also means you are human, because we all experience fear as resistance at some point or another in our lives.
If you are feeling your own version of an expansive “Yes” or a collapsing “No” towards a particular decision, but still sit on a fence, go back to question One, what is the motivation for whatever is holding you back? Then allow your analytical mind to have at it. List the top 5 risks you face for making a particular yes or no decision.
There is one word in the English language that has the power to keep anyone up at night. That word is Regret. If you are feeling a hard NO, what is the risk of moving forward? If you resist your personal YES, if you ignore your body wanting to expand, if you let fear guide your decision making, then what is the price? Regret is the natural outcome of resigning into resistance, and resistant is an outgrowth of fear. It’s all related.
So ask yourself, what is the risk? It might surprise you to find there are greater risks associated with remaining small, then blossoming into your personal truth and potential. The other half is just mustering up the courage.
4. What is your contingency plan?
Analytical minds love this as well. Risks are risks. Leap of faith decisions - are risks.
Consider this scenario: You took a leap of faith and fell mid flight. Were you wrong to take a leap of faith? No. Life is non-linear, messy and generally right in any case. But in the meantime, while you dust yourself off and figure out what went wrong, what is your back up plan?
If you are prepared for even a calculated risk (to the best of your ability), then you are better positioned to jump on and ride the current of life. There is a balance between what we can control and what we cannot control. A contingency plan is a simple and practical process you can control. The other half, like a rapid river, is owned and operated by the mysteries of life. It is all part of the journey. Ride on!
Journal Question:
What personal tools do you use in your decision making process?
Extra:
One of my favorite musings related to this topic is Elle Luna’s The Crossroads of Should and Must on Medium. (16 min) Read it here.
Thank you for taking this journey with me.
From my heart center to yours,
NOEMI
